Mother's Day

Mom,

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I felt absolutely ridiculous. When you were still here I would get anxiety over this holiday. I spent so much time being angry at you that I had the hardest time trying to find you a card. I always went with the basic "Happy Mother's Day" crap because all of the mushy ones just weren't me. I'm sorry. I should have gotten you the mushy cards. You were always open with your feelings and I always was and am just a closed door. I don't do it; I can't do it. What a hypocrite I am. All those years feeling anxious over this holiday and now I feel sad that you aren't here. I didn't deserve you.

Tomorrow is your birthday. You would have been 55. I can say it out loud but I can't really think about it. I'm afraid if I do, I will quite literally fall apart.

I love you,
Rochelle

It's time

Mom,

It is still unreal to me that you have been gone for 7 months. I really don't understand how time passes to quickly. Especially when I feel so empty. It seriously feels like I am walking around with a gaping hole in my chest everyday; and nothing can fill it.

I have so many regrets. I know, I shouldn't dwell on these things. But, I hate myself; I hate myself for wasting so much time being an angsty teenager and twenty-something. Questioning the way you did things and why. All the time wasted being angry and frustrated over things that in the end really do not matter. All that really matters it that you loved me and you did the best you could with what you had.

I'm sorry, Mom. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.

I love you,
Rochelle